Addressing Falling Birth Rates: Selfishness vs. Safety

Perhaps unsurprisingly, blaming falling birth rates on "selfish women" may not be the most effective way to fix the problem

By Omar Lopez from Unsplash

My husband and I had our second baby a few months ago, making us the exhausted but joyful parents of two under two boys. I imagine I’ll always remember the moment I looked into our newborn’s eyes, just a few weeks postpartum, and thought, “I hope God gives me many more babies like you.” Still sore from being ripped open by the delivery, almost exclusively wearing makeshift adult diapers and milk-stained baggy t-shirts, and surviving mostly on caffeine and prayer, none of the discomfort of our new reality could deter me from me deep desire for a large family. I had fallen so madly in love with both of our kids that I struggled to imagine a life without a hoard of little troublemakers dominating our home every day for the next 25 years.

But, I recognize this mindset isn’t the norm. In today’s world, the idea of having a lot of kids - or even any kids at all - can seem unfashionable or burdensome. The political right likes to blame this waning interest in parenthood and the resulting falling birth rates on selfishness. I believe the insult stems from a place of fear. A lot of people are scared of what having fewer babies means for our society’s future.

Yet, what are we actually doing to address that problem? We’re blaming the solution: young women. We tell them they’re self-absorbed, short-sighted, and doomed to a future of regret. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this sort of rhetoric doesn’t have people sprinting to the altar and then to their marital beds to start another baby boom.

I’m not saying that self-focus has no role in the falling birth rate. Selfishness is at the root of most of society’s ills.

Yet, at least according to Christian theology, the vast majority of women are called to marriage and motherhood. And, God tends to do this funny thing where when we’re supposed to do something with our lives, he gives us the ability and desire to do that thing. He wants us to want to do his will, not just to begrudgingly accept it. So, if most women are supposed to be mothers and are, thus, born with an innate desire and ability to joyfully have and raise children, wouldn’t you think we’d see more people having kids even if out of purely selfish reasons to fulfill that desire?

But, we’re not. In fact, 21% of women ages 18-34 say they don’t want kids. That’s the highest number in recorded history. So, what is going on?

From the work I’ve done as a couples therapist, I see selfishness as far less relevant compared to another reason, a reason no one is talking about: safety, or a lack thereof.

It wasn’t until that moment when I prayed for many more babies that it dawned on me: the confidence I feel that allows me to hope for a large family has nothing to do with my own strength or virtue. It’s because of the support around me.

My husband could not be more supportive of my work as a mother, my extended family is actively involved in our kids’ lives on a daily basis, and we live in a densely populated area with a lot of good families who we’ve grown to love and lean on.

Heartbreakingly, so few women have anything resembling this sort of support. Most women, even if they have wonderful husbands who are capable of being the primary or sole financial providers, are missing their village. They’re missing the major source of safety we all desperately need while raising small children.

Then, once you throw childhood trauma or strained relationships with their own parents into the mix, you have the perfect recipe for a generation of young women scared out of their minds about the prospect of motherhood. And, since fear is nobody’s favorite emotion, we see a lot of it being transformed into a fixation on career goals, preference for more free time, or complaints about there being “no more good men” out there.

So, what do we do about it? How do we help women feel safe and supported enough to not only want to have kids but feel capable of being good mothers?

I think there are a few things:

1. Being more open about the joys, not just the hardships, of motherhood

2. Acting as the village for those around us

3. Praying for each other

As one of the most pro-family, pro-motherhood women you could ever meet, I still get fed content on social media about how hard it is to raise kids. Additionally, it is often the norm for us women to bond over complaints about the difficulties of parenting. Don’t get me wrong. It can be incredibly beneficial to know that you’re not alone in your struggles with sleepless nights, cleaning up after your defiant toddler, or your out-of-whack postpartum body. However, when we combine what we see online with the stories we hear from our mom friends, it’s no wonder so many childless women are scared of motherhood! But, if we made the intentional choice to publicize more of the good things about our vocation as wives and mothers, what difference might that make for another woman on the fence about starting a family?

Next, let’s rebuild the village. Thankfully, it’s a lot less daunting than it may sound. Being the village means making a lasagna for your neighbor who just gave birth, offering to watch your cousin’s kids while she goes out on a date with her husband, or even going on more playdates with other moms who, like me, have toddlers who are way better behaved when other kids are around. Being the village doesn’t mean raising other people’s kids. It means playing some role in helping other moms feel less alone in the day-to-day.

When all else fails, prayer never does. Particularly for women in more rural or even some suburban areas, it may be hard to build a village with the moms around you. However, we all have the ability to pray for the well-being of the other women in our lives and all wives and mothers, more generally. In fact, here’s a beautiful prayer to take home with you:

“Merciful Father, hear our prayer for mothers who face hardships and trials. Whether they deal with health issues, financial stress, or relational struggles, be their rock and fortress. Provide them with Your protection and provision. Let Your presence be a comforting reminder that they are not alone in their journey. Amen.”

Stay strong, mamas! You’re doing the Lord’s work.

~ Cameron