Are you ready to get married?
Half of first-marriage divorces happen in the first 5 years. Set yourself up for success after "I do" by asking these 4 crucial questions.
A lot of people tout the high U.S. divorce rate, often cited as hovering around 41% or 42% for first marriages, as evidence that people aren’t meant to stay married to the same person for the entirety of a modern adult lifespan.
This narrative pushes the idea that people may be happy in the beginning, but that slowly and consistently over time spouses will grow weary of each other, leading to the relationship falling apart.
However, when you dig just a layer deeper into the stats on divorce, you’ll find that over half of these couples that get divorced end their marriages within the first five years, while 10% of first marriages end after just one year.
Those numbers don’t reflect a population of spouses who have tired of each other after a long, arduous life together.
So, what’s going on for these couples?
What I’ve seen as a marriage therapist and in my personal life is actually quite encouraging if you’re someone who hopes to have a lifelong marriage one day.
When the majority of couples get married, they rarely ask each other the right questions. In other words, they don’t really know each other that well, and they don’t know what marriage actually entails.
If you and your partner have talked about getting married at some point or are already planning the wedding, you’ve likely asked yourselves questions like
Are we in love?
Do we want to spend the rest of our lives together?
Are we ready to take this next step?
Could we afford to have the wedding we want?
These are the wrong questions.
Of course, you want to be able to answer “yes” to every one of these. So, they’re useful, they just aren’t enough.
They don’t probe at all into your expectations for or commitments to your future selves, and they certainly don’t address how you two will cope with the inevitable challenges of spending decades together.
You don’t have to do official premarital counseling, although it likely can’t hurt. But, before you get married, if you could only do one thing, have four honest conversations, one for each of these questions.
At the least, you’ll have a much better idea of what to expect from one another and marriage before you get to your wedding day. At best, these questions may just make the difference between a marriage that lasts one to five years, and a marriage that lasts for life.
4 Questions to Discuss with Your Partner before the Wedding
#1 In what ways might your values be misaligned?
The most important quality to find in a future spouse is values alignment.
Do you shares the same religious views?
Do you have similar political philosophies (not necessarily how you vote, but what your worldview is that informs your political opinions)?
Are you aligned on how many children you want and how you plan to raise them?
What about your views on finance?
Gender roles?
What does healthy communication look like to you?
The “irreconcilable differences” so often cited when marriages end almost always point back to some fundamental misalignment in one or more of these core values.
#2 How seriously do you take the marital vows, “for better or for worse”?
You and your partner must be on the same page about what it means to get married. Are you committing to each other for life, come hell or high water?
Or, are you committing to each other for as long as this season of happiness and contentment lasts?
What is your line that, if crossed, the marriage would be over?
#3 Do you admire the person you are when you two are together?
We become like the people we spend the most time with, so who could be more influential in our lives than who we sleep next to at night?
You and your partner need to make each other better people, not just because you’d rather be better than worse, but because the trials of life will demand a better version of you than who you are right now.
To at least tolerate, but hopefully overcome, those trials, you two will need to grow together every day.
#4 What will you do the day it’s easier to leave than it is to stay together?
I believe this day comes for every couple.
Our loved ones get sick. We lose our jobs, our kids experience extreme tragedy that may be even harder on the parents, and sometimes we even hurt our spouses in ways we never saw coming.
When life gives you the sourest of lemons, how do you respond?
When it would be easier or even make you happier to walk away, what will you do?
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You probably noticed that these questions are worded in a way to look for the problems in your relationship. That’s intentional.
Before we get married, our thoughts are wrapped up in wedding planning, fielding all the congratulations from friends and family, and looking excitedly toward the future.
Rarely do we consider preparing for what life will look like after “I do”.
However, this preparation is by the far the best thing you can do for your marriage.
Just having read this article, you’re already ahead of the game. To take the next step, try out today’s challenge for yourself.
Today’s Challenge
Pick at least one of these questions to ask your partner this week. Set aside at least 20 minutes to have an honest conversation about both of your thoughts and how you two plan to navigate the opportunities and challenges you expect to face in your future together.
Wishing you joy,
Cameron
Marriage therapist & Founder of HITCHED
Our app, HITCHED, is launching next month. I can’t wait! To learn more and to be among the first to access your personalized, evidence-based blueprint for marriage, you can go here to join the waitlist.
One of the tools in the app is a collection of values assessments so that you and your partner can discover exactly where you stand on the values that are most important for marriage.