Holy Curiosity
The "secret sauce" of therapy, and how to apply it in your home
Perhaps the most important characteristic of therapy that differentiates it from other conversations–and what ultimately fosters deeper healing–is a truly authentic curiosity. By curiosity, I mean an empathetic fascination of the other person, particularly what they’ve experienced and how they view themselves, other people and the world.
Therapists are like mental archaeologists. Our job is to dig, respecting the integrity of the heart and mind of the person in the process. Good therapy chips away slowly at the layers a client believes are causing his or her pain to uncover what’s lying dormant underneath, flavoring the individual’s unique experience of life.
The most efficient and often most appreciated tool to dig with is curiosity: “Where does that belief about yourself come from?” “What is that part of you trying to say?” “Why is that so important to you?” “What would it say about you if you failed at that dream?”
In the therapy office, at least with most clients, I am freer than I otherwise would be to ask these sorts of questions and see them received with gratitude or at least cooperation instead of defensiveness. At this point in our culture’s history, we more or less know what to expect when we sign up for therapy. We know we will be asked to go deeper, to reveal parts of ourselves we may have never revealed to anyone or didn’t even know were there. In fact, many people come to therapy for this very reason–to discover and reveal more of what they’ve been carrying so they can turn those broken parts over to God for healing.
Yet this healing curiosity doesn’t have to be limited to the therapeutic relationship. For example, it’s a skill every good marriage therapist teaches to their couples to use outside of counseling sessions. And, when spouses approach one another in this way, with a genuine desire to understand, I have seen them transform their marriages in a matter of weeks. Of course, it takes practice to make a habit. But the concept here is straightforward:
Approach one another as if you have something to learn about and from the other person (both true), letting each conflict be led with a desire to understand the other’s world rather than a desire to win, dominate, shame, or even correct each other.
Gentle correction should come at a later point once curiosity has fostered mutual trust and emotions have mellowed.
Thankfully, you do not need to worry so much about asking the right questions as about approaching your spouse (or child, parent, sibling, friend) with the right attitude. Curiosity becomes holy when the desire to know comes ultimately from the deeper desire to love well, to love in the way the other person needs.
Curiosity then facilitates the transition from giving others what you think they should want to what they actually want and need: someone to listen, understand and prove that revealing their wounds will not scare you away.
We all need to know that we can be fully seen and still fully loved in our broken, messy humanity. What a blessing it would be to get to offer that reassurance to others.
~ Cameron