How We Treat the Small Stuff is a Big Deal
What your wedding day marriage advice was missing
“Don’t sweat the small stuff” is an excellent piece of marriage advice. It is surprising to no one that having the humility, patience, and understanding to let go of small offenses will save you from much conflict and protect your marital bond. Small stuff happens every day, so we both have plenty of chances to practice letting it go or to succumb to frustration when faced with our spouse’s (usually accidental) transgressions. So, if you and your spouse already follow this rule, chances are you are in a pretty good place.
However, we often fail to address the other side of the coin of small stuff: the good things. Good but small things also happen every day. However, instead of overlooking or taking them for granted as we so often do, these little graces should be celebrated. Marriage is not only about minimizing the negatives, just like taking care of your health isn’t just about avoiding unhealthy behaviors. It is about discovering and embracing the good. Healthy marriages are filled with little graces, and the simplest way to add more good to your marriage is to slow down enough to not only acknowledge but celebrate the good that is already there.
But if this approach to the small stuff - celebrating the good and letting go of the bad - is so good for our relationships, why does it not come naturally to us? Our emotions tend to encourage the opposite approach, meaning we are more likely to react emotionally to a small perceived slight (e.g., your wife lets out a frustrated sigh while you two are talking) than to a small blessing (e.g., your husband gets home 20 minutes early from work).
God gave us emotions for a reason: not only to add color to life but also to help us make decisions. In fact, one of the most fascinating neuropsychological findings on emotions is that people who suffer brain damage that blunts their affect (emotions) also face severe impairment to their decision making. In other words, we need our emotions to make decisions. However, when it comes to the lifelong commitment of marriage, even more than following our emotions we should be following Christ. After all, He is the One who teaches us to be limitlessly merciful:
“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” - Jesus in Luke 23:34
And joyful:
“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” - St. Paul in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
How we treat the small stuff, then, not only reflects how good of a marriage we could have but how well we are following Jesus’s example. How we treat the small stuff is a big deal.
Keep it up, wives and husbands! You are doing the Lord’s work.
With Christ and Mary,
Cameron