“One man gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want.” - Proverbs 11:24
When we think of the virtue of generosity, money often comes to mind. “Am I giving enough to my parish? To charity? Should I be doing more for the homeless or the orphaned?”
While all these questions are good, it is interesting that we are often quicker to think of generosity as an out there virtue, the sort of good we do for people and causes that are beyond our immediate circle. Yet, the Church teaches us a specific order of charity: we are responsible for loving first those persons closest to us (i.e., God and our family).
And, what’s more, focusing our generosity primarily on our inner circles, first with God, then our spouses, children, and other family, can do even more immediate and long lasting good than our tithing or volunteering.
But, what does generosity look like in marriage? What should we be giving to our spouse?
It is usually a safe bet to start with the big three: time, energy, and attention. How can you spend your time in ways that love your spouse better? How can you use your energy to help, serve, and support him? How can you give him more of your undivided, loving attention?
These questions are challenging if we allow ourselves to sit with them. Immediately, objections arise from within: “But, I am already spread so thin! How could I possibly give more?” “Why should I give when I’m getting nothing in return?” “When is it going to be my turn to be taken care of?”
Now, don’t get me wrong. Generosity has a real price. Thus, these thoughts carry some truth. You may very well feel pushed to your breaking point. How could you give more?
Mother Teresa once said, “Love is giving, and giving until it hurts.” To give away our time, energy and attention to our spouse means we cannot use those same resources for someone or something else, including ourselves. So, generosity can have a depleting effect, at least in the moment of giving. It is self-sacrifice, and in our fallen world, that kind of sacrifice usually hurts.
But—and this is often the bigger deal—giving generously to our spouse can also cost us our pride.
When we’re embroiled in some ongoing struggle in our marriages, giving more can feel like giving in, like admitting that we are the problem. After all, shouldn’t it be the person who’s at fault who makes the first move toward reconciliation? And, the longer we’ve felt hurt or disconnected, the greater the resentment and the harder it is to humble ourselves enough to be the one who changes.
Yet, like the verse from Proverbs states, God has a funny way of encouraging us to give: those who are generous paradoxically end up with more than those who are not. How can this be? If we have limited resources, how could giving some away ever lead to us gaining more?
While we are limited, thankfully God is not, and he loves to bestow on his generous children his most generous of gifts. Every parent knows this: at the end of a long day, when you have spent everything inside of you and are tempted to fall asleep at 8pm with your kids, even in the exhaustion there is a sense of peace, of security. “I am living a meaningful life. Today, I did something that matters.” We trade our limited selves for something limitless and eternal: the understanding that we are doing God’s will. What could bring us more peace, more satisfaction than that?
Of course, sometimes it’s difficult to internalize God’s rewards when we are so depleted. Whenever you struggle to feel his grace in challenging moments or seasons, whether in marriage or with your kids, try this thought experiment:
Imagine what you have: your spouse, your children, your faith.
Now, imagine what it would be like if—all of a sudden—you lost those relationships.
Sit in that thought, and let the emotions bubble to the surface.
How much more grateful we are for our lives and vocations when we imagine what it would be like without them!
So, if the choice is between (a) your first real move toward becoming a more generous spouse and (b) a stalemate in which you and your spouse both withhold yourselves from each other, what is your choice? Is there really much of a choice at all?
Make the first move, and keep making it. Tell your spouse you’re trying to do better if you believe your efforts are going unnoticed. Be the grateful, generous person God made you to be, and watch as his graces overflow the cup of your life.
Keep doing the Lord’s work!
~ Cameron