Our psychodynamic culture and the childfree movement

A cultural embrace of childhood scrutiny seems to be scaring the desire for motherhood out of many women

The decision of whether to have children or not is a deeply personal one with enormous global consequences, unfortunately making it a highly politicized topic in today’s climate. With over 3 in 4 women between 15 and 49 years old either already having become mothers or planning to, the remaining women are considered part of the childfree minority, at least for now, whether by choice or circumstance.

These numbers are far higher than in past centuries. For example, the number of women in their early 40s who never had children almost doubled from 1980 (10%) to 2000 (19%).

With 2023 ushering in the lowest U.S. fertility rate ever recorded, a debate has formed surrounding a woman’s decision on whether to become a parent or not. And, while some people claim that plummeting birth rates are largely a result of female empowerment and greater optionality, fear of what a changing global climate will mean for future generations, or just plain selfishness, I’ve found something different in my work as a marriage therapist.

Our psychodynamic culture

Psychodynamic therapy is essentially the modern day spin on Freud’s approach to talk therapy, preserving the early 20th century psychiatrist’s emphasis on deep exploration of one’s childhood as a means to greater insight about our present troubles and circumstances.

Unfortunately, while Freud’s contributions to the world of psychotherapy were significant, the influence his work has had over American culture more broadly seems like a mixed bag, at least where birth rates are concerned.

In recent years, a growing number of women are forgoing motherhood for fear of “screwing up” their future children. After reflecting in depth on their childhoods, either with a therapist or without, many Millennials and Gen Zers have decided that having children would be the irresponsible choice given how poorly their parents raised them.

This belief involves three key assumptions: (a) our parents are largely responsible for our greatest shortcomings, (b) it’s doubtful that any amount of “self work” can undo the harm done to us by our parents during our childhoods, and (c) our shortcomings will curse our future children the same way our parents cursed us.

It’s an intimidating proposition that would certainly make even the most baby-obsessed among us think twice about having kids of our own.

But, is it true?

Parenting is the greatest responsibility of a lifetime for most people, but should it be reserved only for those among us with rosy childhoods and near-perfect adult lives?

Perhaps a deeper look into the three above assumptions is warranted here.

#1: Our parents are responsible for our shortcomings

As comforting as it can be to attribute our flaws to the shoddy job our parents did raising us, this mindset leaves no room for the most powerful tool we have for personal growth: responsibility. If we aren’t responsible for an outcome, how much can we actually do to influence that outcome?

Unfortunately, while this likely wasn’t Freud’s intention, the pop culture equivalent to his version of therapy prompts people to view their adult personalities and tendencies as based solely on their childhood experiences. Yet, therapy that actually works teaches the opposite. In fact, clients I’ve worked with who make the most progress most rapidly are those who believe their choices are the greatest determinants of who they are and who they’ll become.

#2 We can’t improve upon ourselves enough to be good parents

If progress in therapy tends to start when a client accepts responsibility for his life, it accelerates when that client embraces his potential for growth. Oftentimes, the real hurdle for people isn’t a lack of belief in the possibility of change, but a lack of proof of change in their own lives. The solution? Every time we make the right choice, taking one small step forward, we embrace that step as proof of our ability to grow. After all, what are large improvements other than a collection of small ones, strung together over a long period of time?

#3 We’re destined to curse our children the way our parents cursed us

Our kids will be a lot like us, at the very least because they inherited our DNA. Yet, any parent will tell you they’ll also be quite different. Oftentimes those differences are what makes parenting so difficult. It’s humbling to be tasked with raising someone who seems like a clone of you one moment and a stranger the next. When push comes to shove, though, all that even the best parents can do is their best, then hope (or pray) that they end up with more of your good than your bad, then some unique good of their own.

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Perhaps it’s more accurate to embrace the reality of parenthood: the legacy we leave behind for our children is one of blessings and curses. Thus, when they grow up, it becomes our children’s responsibility to decide what to do with that legacy.

And what better legacy to leave than a deep enough hope in the future to justify having created new life to participate in that future?