The Cure for Comparison
The fast track to discouragement also has a simple solution (thank God)
Few things ruin a good day as fast as comparing ourselves to others. And while it is certainly a problem for both sexes, I have noticed it plaguing my female clients more lately, and at great cost.
By comparison, I do not mean the healthy practice of goal setting. To set any goal requires you to assess where you are now and aim toward a better place, where (or who) you hope to be. Comparison becomes problematic, however, when it is used as a vehicle for envy, fast tracking you to a place where you begin to dislike yourself and resent others for what you do not have.
We do it with friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, strangers on social media and even our spouses:
“Why can’t I be more patient like her?”
“Why am I not that joyful? Pretty? Well liked?”
“Why are my kids not as well behaved or successful as those kids?”
Why don’t I have that kind of marriage?”
“Why am I so much more emotional than my husband?”
These questions are not goals. They are criticisms. And self-criticism is costly. The price of comparison is discontentment with yourself, your life, your relationships, and even with God’s providence over your life. And, the more it is allowed to fester, the more discontentment devolves into discouragement, or the belief that nothing you do will be enough.
Discouragement is one of the deadliest attitudes for the spiritual life. It robs us of our sense of autonomy: “If nothing I do will make a difference, why bother trying? It seems like God has forgotten about me anyway.”
Thankfully, a cure for comparison exists, and it is deeply embedded within Scripture and Church Tradition.
Let’s start with 1 Corinthians 12:4-7:
“Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of services, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who activates all of them in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.”
In this passage, St. Paul illuminates the beauty in our differences. In God’s infinite wisdom and power, he has managed to create a world in which we all have different gifts, strengths and roles to play but are united by the source of these gifts, the Holy Spirit. John Kane in his book “How to Make a Good Confession” paraphrases this idea well:
“It is the spirit, not the measure, of sacrifice that will decide our eternity” (pg. 81).
While some souls are granted great graces to make large, heroic sacrifices, God does not grant that same degree of grace to us all. However, understanding this disparity in the Spirit’s power should be relieving, not disappointing: even in our spiritual lives we are not expected to do or become more than God expects of us. To long for what others have is to be dissatisfied with how God made us. Yet, he made us in his perfect image.
And, what’s more, God grants us “the dignity of acting on [our] own [...] and thus of co-operating in the accomplishment of his plan” (CCC, 306). In other words, God has preserved an important role for each of us to play in salvation history. We are each contributing to his plan for his creation, every moment of every day. Our lives matter, regardless of how different they may look from others’ lives.
So, the challenge to those of us struggling with comparison is to replace our thoughts about others with thoughts about who God is calling us to be. As my father-in-law likes to say to our children, “Who does God want you to be?”
When we ask this question, comparison ceases to be relevant. We can finally rest in the peace of Christ knowing that we will always be granted the power to do what he wills when he wills. Anything else and we are missing out on the poetic life story he wants to reveal within us.
Keep doing the Lord’s work!
~ Cameron
A simple prayer idea: We can pray for greater patience with our own shortcomings, trust in the life circumstances God has called us to embrace right now, and humble gratitude for the infinite blessings he has showered upon us, all aimed toward better discerning his will for us rather than worry about his will for others.