This Is Making Your Life Harder Than It Needs to Be
What are "metathoughts" and how are they harmful?
Have you ever had the experience of reacting to your own thoughts or emotions? It often goes something like this: Something happens, let’s say your husband says something a little snappy to you. Your initial reaction to his harshness is alarm, frustration, or even anger. But, then something else happens. You have a second reaction, a reaction to your reaction. Maybe you feel embarrassed about your surprise, guilty about your frustration, or vindicated in your anger:
Circumstances → first-order reaction → second-order reaction, or metathoughts (i.e., thoughts about your thoughts and feelings)
When we feel overwhelmed by stress, frustration, or emotional exhaustion, a large part of that overwhelm is internal: we are reacting negatively to our daily experience of life, and this negativity is psychologically expensive. It robs us of the energy we need to tend wholeheartedly to the people and tasks that need our undivided attention.
Second-order reactions are what therapy was designed to address for three reasons. First, as I just explained, they are costly. The person who can free up her mind of metathoughts and her heart of metaemotions enjoys life more, not necessarily because life is different but because she makes the decision to embrace the present moment of God’s gift of life with gratitude rather than keeping it at a judgmental arm’s length.
The second reason therapists care about these second-order reactions is because they are largely within your control. We very often cannot change everything about our circumstances because that is God’s domain. Only He has complete control over what happens to us in this life: what we look like, how many children we have, how others treat us, whether our spouse had a good or bad day, and how we feel when we wake up. These are just a few examples of many things that we may be able to influence some but not completely.
Our first-order reactions are not completely within our control either. They are largely instinctual emotions triggered by our circumstances before we have a chance to think through what we are experiencing. Our second-order reactions, however, are often completely within our control. With enough patience and openness to God’s grace, we can learn to react to all of life’s offerings with curiosity, optimism, interest, and even gratitude.
The first step to do so is to make the conscious effort to notice our second-order reactions. Then we can gently reassure the part of ourselves that is stressed, angry, or embarrassed that a positive view of the situation (i.e., acceptance, curiosity, or gratitude) will makes things better, not worse.
Interestingly enough, gaining greater self-control over these second-order reactions can have a rippling out effect. And herein lies the third reason therapy is great for helping quell these metathoughts: second order reactions have the power to influence not only our first order reactions but also our circumstances. For example, let’s say that conflict with your spouse makes you feel anxious. The next time you’re in an argument, instead of dreading that anxiety or getting frustrated with yourself for your emotions, turn inward for a moment to reassure the anxious part of you that everything is going to be okay. It’s normal to feel anxious when this person who means so much to you is upset.
By learning to operate from a place of acceptance and peace, we will begin to see our first order reactions turn in a more positive direction. By allowing life and our interpretation of it to unfold without aggressively resisting it, we can appreciate each of our unique experiences of being human which God has granted only to us.
Then, if we’re doubly fortunate, our circumstances will even begin to change as the world around us responds to the change within us.
~ Cameron