What Are Your Controllables?
What is within your control to change in your marriage - your "controllables" - is often what will have the greatest positive impact
Monday Motivation: “The one thing you can't take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me.” - Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning, Holocaust survivor
Start with What You Can Control
A marriage fails only when both spouses give up the fight. And, we’re never more tempted to give up than when all the problems we want to fix seem to be outside our control. So, what’s the solution?
If focusing on things outside your control is a dead end, try the opposite. Start any effort to improve your marriage by addressing what you can control.
This works for a few reasons:
You have a much greater chance of winning when the score depends only on your actions. These are battles you can win.
You don’t need luck or good timing to start improving the things within your control. You can begin today.
Anything one spouse does, good or bad, will impact the relationship. So, you don’t need your spouse’s cooperation or recognition to improve the marriage. Your efforts will inevitably bear fruit.
How to Do It
Take out two pieces of paper and a pen.
On the first piece of paper, write down a list of all the problems in your marriage. Don’t worry yet about whether you have any influence over these problems or not.
When you finish your list, move to the second piece of paper. Fold the paper in half, then unfold it, and draw a line down the crease you just made. You now have two columns. At the top of the left column, write “Controllable”. At the top of the right column, write “Uncontrollable”.
Next, write each of the problems from the first piece of paper in the appropriate column. If you have any influence over a marital problem, write it in the controllable column. If not, it goes in the uncontrollable column. Now, fold the paper again so only the controllable column is visible.
Now, number each item on your controllable list from MOST (#1) to LEAST (#n) controllable. This is your new marital to-do list.
For the next week, focus only on #1 on your list. Let everything else go (seriously). What can you do every day to improve that problem in your relationship? If your solution involves changes that may confuse your spouse, let your spouse in on your plans.
Then, once you begin to notice real improvement in this area, move on to the next item on your list. Focus and persistence. That’s often all it takes to make serious positive changes in your marriage.
Wishing you hope & joy,
Cameron
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