“The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every animal of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.” Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. - Genesis 2:20-24
I talk a lot about oneness with my clients, pretty much all of which are Catholic spouses coming to me either together or individually. Interestingly, although this concept of becoming “one flesh” through the Sacrament of marriage is quite familiar, we still tend to miss a big part of what it’s about.
When I ask my clients to describe what it means to become one, they often delve into the Church’s teachings on the indissolubility of marriage, founded on Jesus’s own insistence that divorce is not permissible under God’s law: “Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one’? So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:4–6).
While this is certainly a huge part of what it means to become one flesh, another often overlooked component is also crucial for understanding the rich beauty of the sacrament of marriage.
Oneness not only means that spouses are joined for life but that they are better together than they were apart. When we come together in marriage according to God’s plan for us, we do so with someone God has deemed necessary for our salvation. Your spouse is not just one choice out of many. He was chosen for you by God to elevate your spiritual life to a plane previously inaccessible to you on your own.
This elevation works through an inflowing of God’s grace: each of the sacraments (baptism, reconciliation, holy communion, confirmation, marriage, holy orders, and anointing of the sick) are all outward signs of assured inward graces. Unique to the sacrament of marriage, God pours out these graces upon you through another person, your spouse.
What’s more, God chose your specific spouse, your specific marriage, as your path to sanctification in this life. Your marriage, not your job, hobbies, or volunteer work, is your vocation. Thus, all of the things your spouse brings to the table—strengths and weaknesses, quirks and characteristics—God deemed necessary to make you into the person he wants you to be. And the reverse is also true. You are necessary for your spouse’s sanctification, too!
It’s a deeply romantic thought to dwell on: the love story you two are writing is one that will exist for eternity in service of eternity (that is, your eternal souls). So, the next time you feel the normal temptations arise to grow irritated with your spouse’s flaws or differences in opinion, keep in mind that the alternative—a life apart—is much further from God’s will for you than where you are right now. In fact, even through all the difficulties you and your spouse may face together, God is willing (either actively or passively) this version of your life story, the one you are living together right now.
Keep doing the Lord’s work!
~ Cameron